My Life as a Teeter Totter

My life is a teeter totter that only works one way. It falls. 

I was broken from the beginning. 

 

The plank falls: Pain. Anger. Dysfunction. 

Why is my life like this? It started in chaos when it was supposed to be tenderness. 

I thought I was fine. I even thought I was happy. Maybe I was sometimes. 

Happiness was a soft blanket that provided no warmth. Just a pretty cover. 

 

The plank falls: Anxiety. Grief. Sadness.  

What did I do to deserve this? Everyone hates me and I don’t know why. 

I run for help and find another abuser. My very existence is a disruption to their life. 

I mistake it for relief and love and I’m grateful to have it. Another fake blanket. 

 

The plank falls: Panic. Desperation, Heartbreak.  

Why do I feel this way? No one sees me suffering. They’re too busy with their own pain to notice mine. 

I lose the ability to function normally. I can’t breathe. I need to escape. I try to run again.

Back to the original abuser. They love me when no one else does even though it hurts. The pseudo-blanket.

 

The plank falls: Guilt. Rejection. Disregard. 

Did I destroy everyone’s happiness? I didn’t mean to. I try so hard to be good. 

I was the plank that fell on their life. Of course they hate me. The butcher of their potential. 

Everything crumbles into ruin and I sink. The blanket provides no comfort anymore. 

 

I am lost. I surrender to hopelessness. It’s all there is for me. 

 

The plank is stuck: My spirit is fractured. 

The world scares me. Everyone makes fun of me. Crippling anxiety consumes me.

I am a catalyst for pain, and I don’t know how to be different. I never meant to hurt anyone. I’m weak. 

I leave for the last time. The blanket stays behind. I don’t deserve it anyway. 

 

I wander. I don’t know what to do or where to go. I’m just broken. 

 

The plank rises: Someone helps me. 

The dark waters of pain and abuse recede. I open my eyes.

I was born into pain caused by the people who were supposed to protect me from it. 

I see it now. I didn’t cause any of it. It’s not my fault. I can be happy. A new blanket is offered.

 

The plank rises: It was never me. 

They used me as a weapon to hurt each other with no consideration of how it affected me. I start to push back. 

They tell me how horrible I am for leaving them. I don’t believe them anymore.  

I feel it now. Hope. A blanket of peace wraps around me. 

 

The plank rises: Someone loves me. 

I was a product of abuse and pain and now I am healing. 

They’re hurting without me. They want back in. I will not allow them to hurt me any longer.  

I feel it now. Strength. Wrapped in a blanket of fortitude I stand on my own. 

 

The plank rises: I found me. 

I was broken by them, but I am resilient. 

They beg me to come back. I won’t. I am breaking the cycle of abuse. 

I feel it now. Love. Where once I was drowning, now I am emersed in a blanket of love. 

 

I am no longer broken.

My life is a teeter totter that only works one way. It rises.